Saturday, March 10, 2007
things change and decisions are made. i duno if i had done the right thing by making this decision so suddenly w/o any valid reason. i duno if u are reading this but i hope u are. Yest i went to Rouge with Cas and ling and i kept drinking even though i kno im gg to vomit soon thinkin that a maybe lydat i will numb myself and not think whether i'm right or wrong. i kno i don want to face up to reality and im jus running away from it. i vomited so many times and i jus knock out til the bouncer have to actually carry me out of rouge to wait for a cab. i ended our 3 yr relationship because i was unsure of our future. i cant picture us getting married and was thinkin it has been 3 yrs and yet im unable to do so. i kno u always treat me very good, dote on me, even went to study because i said our edu gap is too big. I always tot that studyin is for your own good but i was wrong. U said studyin now makes u very stress and u have no time for yourself and yes, u said u wanted to study but not his time. since u are goin to study aniway, why not study now and enjoy the fruits of labour in the near future? im sry because i din put in effort to maintain this relationship. u said it takes 2 hands to clap. yes i agree but i no longer love you that much and i duno wad to do. i did try to nuture it again but the feelin jus did not come back. i duno if i should Continue carryin on our relationship and maybe later find out that i don love you and break off or should i jus break off now? u said feelings can be nutured but 3 yrs already... if it is there, it will be there no matter who came into the picture. i always told u i believe in fate and if we are meant for each other, no matter what we will be together. i kno you hate me now. i oso hate myself for making such decisions. i realli duno what i should do. U gave mi two options. 1) pretend nth ever happen and we will be back together meanwhile u ask mi to think if it is stil possible to be together 2) break off and u pretend u nv kno me. i chose option 2. i wanted to have more time to think it over myself but u pressed me for an answer. U asked my y i don wan to choose option 1. i din choose that because im afraid that if we're together again and i realise we are stil not meant for each other a few yrs ltr, it'l have a bigger impact and i don wan to hurt u again. i have hurt you enough.. U said u hate me. i wasted your time and toy ard with your feelings. U said u even regreted becoming my bf. U said u wont ever pick up my calls and wont even want to see me ever again. Ur words were so harsh and i am so hurt. U may feel tat im jus crapping because im the one who initiated the break up and i shouldnt be the one who is so sad. im crying the hell out of me now. believe it or not. i duno if i have made the right decision to let go of you. i'm not hopin that u will forgive me because i kno it is close to impossible but i jus hope that u will take good care of yourself no matter what and u will be happy everyday. Pls don smoke back since you have already quit.
i may seem strong on the outside and i seldom cry in front of my friends, even my close friends but im realli not as strong as everyone thinks. it is the pressure that everyone has given me to make mi put on a brave front. I wish to bring happiness to everyone ard me but im afraid my rash decision had made you hate me so much. im sry. im so sry for the things i have done to hurt u. so sry. i kno no amt of words could make u feel better but apart from saying sry i duno wad else to sae. im afraid that i will regret my decision and i kno its impossible to turn back time now.